A Much Needed Update

So obviously I stink at keeping up with this.  I would like to say however, that I've done at least a little better at staying on track with my "journey" than I have with the blog.  Since it's been 20 days since my last entry, it would be pretty hard to update on details so I will just say this:  February sucked.

I guess to just say that February sucked doesn't give you a lot of information so here's a short synopsis.  I went on some medication the last week of January to help treat the psuedotumor.  The doctor said it was given to me for 3 reasons:  to help stop the terrible headaches, to help the fluid to drain from my head, and as an added benefit/side effect it was an appetite suppressant.  I can not complain that the medicine didn't help.  I had no headaches (I hadn't had any for several weeks prior to the meds) and I had almost no appetite at all.  However, I do believe I went temporarily crazy while on it.  This medicine was absolutely terrible for me.  I cried every single day-most of the time for no apparent reason at all.  I lashed out at my poor husband constantly-again for no real reason at all.  I had sudden anxiety attacks, saw the worst in every situation, suddenly lacked all of my reasoning/rationalization skills-it was bad.  I can honestly say I don't think that I have ever been so emotionally and mentally fragile in all my life.  Now when I called my doctor and told him all of this, he was less than sympathetic-he basically reiterated my already crazy feelings by telling me that this medicine should not make me feel like that and that I needed to continue taking it.  In his words "it sounds like you're blaming all your problems on the medication".  He didn't say he wanted me to continue taking it so that my headaches would be gone or so that the fluid would drain-he simply said that I needed to continue taking it so that I would "lose the weight".  I said "ok", knowing at that moment that I could argue with him (which would have done no good) and burst into tears or I could just agree and quickly get off of the phone and then burst into tears.  I prefer to cry by myself rather than to a doctor who I already know lacks any of the skills necessary to comfort me at that moment.  So after taking the meds for 2 more days I realized that I indeed was crazy if I was going to continue to put myself through this emotional torture.  After 4 or 5 days off the meds I felt remarkably better and back to my normal self.  

When I was talking to the doctor I realized that he was much more concerned with that medicine "treating" my weight than he was with it treating my head.  I have suffered with these headaches for 4 years and they are SEVERE but I would take the headaches over the crazy feelings any day.  And then for me to realize that my weight is so bad that he found treating it to be more important than treating the headaches--ouch.  I do realize that losing weight will help with the headaches but I now feel that the medicine was prescribed to me soley as an appetite suppressant.  So, I told myself that day that I would lose weight and I would do it without the help of any crazy pills.  I have been working hard but it's such a slow process.  It's not as though I thought it would be easy or that it would happen overnight, it's just that when you're right in the middle of a journey or just at the beginning of it like I am, the end seems so far away.  It doesn't seem unobtainable, just far away.  I'm still going though-slow and steady-much slower than I prefer most days.  And it's so hard.  The medicine did help with my appetite a lot so I'm having to really watch my intake because I forgot what it felt like to be truly hungry.  And life is just so busy so working exercise into my routine is a decision I have to make on a daily basis.  Some days I do really well, some days I stink at it.  I am trying though, and I'm trying harder than I ever have before.  

Date Night

Tonight was date night for Eric and I.  It had been a really long time since we had been on a date so I had looked forward to this all week.  The problem with date night when you have a 2 year old and a 1 year old is that by the time you get done with all of your daily "duties" and get the kids packed and away with grandparents, you're just so exhausted!  It doesn't help I woke up feeling the boys had passed their little bug onto me.  I really had to drag myself out of bed to go for my walk this morning but I did it.  And I must say I felt like today was my best workout yet.  Maybe it's just because I feel yucky so my body just felt more worn out when I was done or maybe I actually worked harder than usual.  I'm not sure but either way, honestly I'm just proud that I got out today.  I was especially happy to know that I had exercised because I knew that Eric and I were going to Red Lobster tonight.  I have an extreme weakness for basically all things Red Lobster so I knew this was probably going to be my greatest eating challenge yet.  I would love to say that I didn't indulge at all and I had nothing but grilled shrimp and broccoli but I would be lying.  However, here is what the old me probably would have eaten: ceasar salad, 3 cheddar biscuits, 2 different kinds of shrimp (one fried, one covered in butter), mashed potatoes.  Here's what I had tonight:  ceasar salad (I really know I should have had a house salad with light dressing but I lacked the will power on that one), 1/2 biscuit, 1 skewer grilled shrimp, broccoli, mashed potatoes.  So, all in all I feel like I did better than I would have a month ago on a trip to Red Lobster.  After dinner we went to Orange Leaf.  If you haven't been to Orange Leaf yet I highly recommend it.  It's self-serve frozen yogurt and they have like 30 flavors and toppings to choose from...delicious!  It's also all low-fat or no fat, not that it makes much of a difference if you pile a bowl FULL like my wonderful husband did tonight but that's beside the fact :)  I learned something at Orange Leaf tonight though.  I learned that I am actually learning :)  I am learning that a little is enough.  I don't need a huge bowl of frozen yogurt to be satisfied.  I don't "need" frozen yogurt at all but if I'm going to have it, there's no reason to over indulge.  Oh, I almost forgot-we don't have a scale so I can only weigh at my in-laws house-as of today, I've lost 6.5 pounds in 2 weeks!  It's nothing too dramatic but I was so encouraged just to see that the numbers were going down!

A New Day

Thank goodness for new days...and better days.  I must say the first few days of this week were terrible.  Nothing traumatic happened, they were just hard days.  But God is good and everyday we get to start fresh.

So yesterday I got up and went for a walk.  I must admit, there was no jogging, just a brisk walk.  Either way, it was a beautiful morning and so good to be out of the house.  I honestly don't know that I have ever been on a walk by myself but it was so enjoyable.  I had such a peaceful time with just me and God.  And it was so nice to know that I finally got my exercising completely done and out of the way without any interuption.  And wouldn't you know that when I got home, Mr. Aiden was still peacefully asleep in his bed.  And this morning as I write this at 8:00 a.m he is still asleep.  As much as I love walking, it does make me nervous to know that on the days I work it will still be very dark when I have to get out there.  I wish I had a walking buddy for those days.

Ok, I hear Aiden stirring now so I better go get him.  Both boys coughed all night and Connor woke up at 2 a.m wheezing and with a high fever-wish me luck today!

So Frustrated

I have a feeling that this may be a rambling post so my apologies in advance.  At 5:15 this morning when I was holding a screaming one year old for the 3rd morning in a row, I had a direction for this post but 3 hours later my list of frustrations have grown so I don't even know where to go with this. 

First of all, my exercise "plan" is  causing me more stress than I ever thought possible.  That's because it's impossible to "plan" with a one year old and a ten week old puppy in the house.  I intend to get up everyday at 5:00 and workout.  I have been very faithful at getting up.  However, so have Aiden and Molly (normally neither of them wake up until at least 7:00).  Monday I got through my warm-up and half of my work out before Aiden woke up.  Yesterday I got through my warm-up, and 2 minutes of my work-out before Aiden woke up.  Today, my alarm went off and Aiden woke up at the EXACT same time.  I'm a very light sleeper.  My alarm is on the quietest possible setting and I am very quiet when I get up so my frustration with this one year old is building quite rapidly.  Today I did manage to get him back to sleep.  Then just as I started my warm-up, Molly (the yappiest dog on earth) woke up. I put Molly outside and continued my exercising.  Molly stood on the step and yelped nonstop for 5 minutes while I contimplated just sitting down and crying or going outside and causing harm to that little dog.  Then just as I finished the warm up, as though he knew Mommy was actually making progress, Aiden started to scream again.  So I got him out of bed, sat down and had that cry that I was contimplating just a few minutes earlier.  I love my children-LOVE them but all I am asking for is 45 minutes by myself every morning.  I feel no real need to get up at 5:00 just to keep Aiden company.  Maybe it's the over acheiver in me but I just feel like such a failure right now.  Three days this week of sincerely trying and not even one decent work out.  I can't work out during the day when I'm at work.  It would be next to impossible at night when I have a million things to do.  That's why I really am trying to do it in the morning.  I've been through all of this before and I know myself and I know that if I don't get it out of the way first thing I will have a hundred different excuses (legitimate or not) that come up throughout the rest of  the day.  So tomorrow I'm going to try my hardest to get out of the house and walk/jog.  This is an issue for me just because I'm a woman and I'll be alone and honestly it just makes me nervous.  However, we live in a nice neighborhood that I know is safe, it's just a natural fear that I have that I just need to overcome.  The weather has been beautiful and I've always wanted to start running so tomorrow I'll start.  Well I probably won't start running tomorrow but I'll at least start getting out there tomorrow.  That way if Aiden decides to make his appearance at 5:00 his daddy can deal with him :)

Ok, now that that's off my chest I feel a little better.  I have a lot of frustration coming from a lot of different places right now but 1 I don't know how to channel that right now and 2 some things don't need to be aired in a blog.  So for now I guess I'll leave it with my exercising frustration.  I'll update on the running/jogging tomorrow.  Sorry, I'll try to be more faithful with updating this!

Life is Hard

So last week I kept thinking that as soon as I could just get out of this house things would be easier-boy was I wrong.  So then this week while I sat at work I kept thinking about how I just wanted to be back at home because when I was at home I would realize that things really were easier there-wrong again!  So here's what God has been teaching me this week, in lots of little things and through lots of different people...life is hard, plain and simple.  Life is hard for a working mom.  Life is hard for a stay at home mom.  It's hard if you have one baby.  I can only imagine how hard it is if you have 4 or 5 babies.  It's thankless, it's dirty, it's exhausting, it makes me cry almost every day in one way or another, and it's just hard.  Yesterday was one of those days that Eric got home from work, we ate dinner and I said "We're out of milk.  I"m going to the store.  I may or may not come back tonight".  Obviously my husband knows me well enough to know that I'm not going to run away but really, yesterday the thought was pretty appealing.  And yet I know that compared to A LOT of moms in this world I've got it so easy.  My bills are paid every month. My kids have a closet full of clothes. They've never gone without food, diapers or love.  I have husband who I know will come home every single night from work and help me (even if it's not to my full expectation, he does usually try).  And he loves me and he loves ours boys.  And even with all of these tremendous blessings still-life is hard.  It's hard to keep my house clean-impossible now that Aiden can walk.  It's hard to put on a smile for my kids 24/7 when all I want to do is cry.  It's hard when all I've heard ALL day is screaming, and "he took my toy" and "I want to watch Elmo/Shrek/Toy Story" for the 100th time.  It's hard when I get tired of saying the most ridiculous things over and over like "Connor, don't put the dog in the trash", and "Aiden, don't eat the trash, dog food, etc".  That stuff is exhausting!  And it's equally hard when I'm sitting in an office just wishing I could be at home watching Elmo with those same screaming kids and thinking about the hundreds of things that I'm going to have to do after they finally go to bed tonight.  I don't really know what made me write this other than a couple of conversations with a couple of special friends this week but it's just on my heart.  We're human beings and we make life messy.  And even when we're not making our own life messy there are plenty of other people there to do it for us.   It's our sinful nature I suppose...it just makes life hard.  However, I do know that as tough as life gets I have a God who loves me.  I've been through some pretty messy things in my short life and He hasn't let me down. Through all of my messiness and all of my thinking I'm never going to get it "right", He loves me.  He loves me more than I can even fathom.  More than I love my husband, more than I love my kids. He doesn't want life to be hard.  It just is.  So the next time you're having a day when you think you're failing miserably-today is Friday and I believe I've had 3 of those days this week-just remember this:  For we are God’s masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10

I Need Out!

I need out of this house!  I love my children and my hearts desire has always been to be a stay at home mom.  However, finances don't allow me to stay home all the time and even when they did, I just never could actually stay home all of the time.  I can handle being with my kids 24/7 but I need to at least go to the grocery store, church, the gas station, SOMEWHERE!  The plan was to go out to Eric's volleyball game tonight and then spend the night at his parents house because they live at he bottom of a huge hill that never gets plowed and Eric is dying to go sledding and Connor is dying to see Nana and both of his Papas.   However...it's snowing again so we'll see if that actually happens.

Part of the reason I want out of the house is just because I'm bored and bored equals snacking.  I have to make such a conscious effort not to just snack, snack, snack all day long.  I never realize it until I'm "dieting" (which I'm not calling this a "diet" but I can't think of a better word) but almost every time I go into our kitchen I eat something.  Maybe just a cracker, or a chip, or a bite of whatever I have baked that week but probably 85% of the time I eat something.  And it's such a habit now that I have to really, really make myself not grab for something when I go in there.  And I also have to make sure all food is put away and out of sight all the time.  At lunch I had a handful of dried pineapple (that's not all I had) but I left the bag sitting on the counter and the next thing I know, I'm standing in the living room eating them out of the bag...seriously?!  I know it's dried pineapple but they have a lot of added sugar and it's just the concept that I have NO self control.  Well that's not true, I do have some self control but I have a lot of bad habits to break.  On that note, my children just broke into the bucket of chocolate...one more habit to break.  And don't even get me started on my husband with whom I had this conversation yesterday.  Me: "What did you have for lunch today?"  Eric: "We ate in the cafeteria".  Me:  "What did you have for lunch today?"  Eric:  "soup"  Me: "What else did you have for lunch today?"  Eric: "A cheeseburger" Me: "And..."   Eric:  "and french fries" pause "and a hot dog".  Me:  "That's what I thought".  And I'm not bashing my husband, I love him but he has some work to do too.  And I also told him that I was going to post this conversation.

I have been proud of myself on the exercise though.  Yesterday I broke out the Tae Bo video that's been collecting dust on the shelf for years.  I honestly don't think I had ever even done the whole video in all the years that I've had it.  But I did yesterday!  And I thought I might die :)  But the point is I did it.  And today I was going to do it again but I decided to do the Biggest Loser: Last Chance Work Out...ugh.  My BFF and I have always said we want to go on the Biggest Loser.  Why oh why would we want to do that?  I seriously thought I might die in my living room.  I can't even imagine being on the show with Jillian screaming down my neck.  And the video is set-up in intervals so today I only did half of what I will eventually build up to.  However, I know I got a workout.  And I didn't die.  I guess those are the only 2 things that really matter :)

A Hard Week to Begin

So...if you're trying to revamp the way you eat and add exercise to your life, the week of a blizzard is probably not the best time to start.  However, I've made one million too many excuses not to start in the last year so I've started, crappy timing or not. Yesterday all I wanted to do was bake something.  Cookies, a cake, brownies, all of the above, I didn't care, baking is just what I do on snowy days.  So finally I caved.  But I did at least look up some lower calorie recipes online and I settled with some butterscotch bars which I must say were delicious. A little too delicious probably :)  Although I am proud to say that I had one last night and one today and the rest of the day the pan has just been sitting there on the stove covered up just calling my name as I try my very best to ignore their existence.  This is quite the feat for me because on a normal, boring day like this I probably could have eaten half of that pan by myself...sad I know.

Anyways...onto subjects other than butterscotch bars lol.  I'm trying to incorporate exercise into my daily life.  On a day when I'm not working that's not too difficult because I can either get up a little earlier than the boys or I can do it during the boys nap time.  However, on days that I work I'm not really sure what I will do.  I guess I'll just have to get up really, really early and maybe do a shorter work out on those days.  I'm not positive yet.  I have a walking video that I really like because it's easy to do in the house and I don't feel like I'm going to cause the house to fall in while I'm doing it.  Some of the videos have you jump so much and our house literally sounds like the floor is going to fall in while I'm doing it which makes me just a tad self-conscious.  Yesterday I did about 1.5 miles and today I did a little over 2 miles on this video.  Tomorrow I'm going to try to get up before the boys and do my Tae Bo video.  I prefer to do that one when Eric's not awake for obvious reasons.  I tried doing it yesterday but Aiden woke up from his nap and it was a little impossible with him hanging on one leg & walking around me.  Connor likes to do the walking video with me which is actually good motivation because before I would always use it as an excuse that I couldn't do it anytime he was awake. No excuses this time.  I already feel better just knowing that I'm doing something good for myself.  And even though I'm having to think a lot more about our meals, I feel better knowing we're eating better too.  I've found several healthy recipes that I'm excited to try.  I'm trying to compile a menu for the month so that I can go grocery shopping this weekend...I'm already going stir crazy with this snow!  Oh and FYI the meds that are supposed to suppress my appetite...not working!  It would be real helpful if those would kick in pretty soon :)