Friday, March 11, 2011

A Much Needed Update

So obviously I stink at keeping up with this.  I would like to say however, that I've done at least a little better at staying on track with my "journey" than I have with the blog.  Since it's been 20 days since my last entry, it would be pretty hard to update on details so I will just say this:  February sucked.

I guess to just say that February sucked doesn't give you a lot of information so here's a short synopsis.  I went on some medication the last week of January to help treat the psuedotumor.  The doctor said it was given to me for 3 reasons:  to help stop the terrible headaches, to help the fluid to drain from my head, and as an added benefit/side effect it was an appetite suppressant.  I can not complain that the medicine didn't help.  I had no headaches (I hadn't had any for several weeks prior to the meds) and I had almost no appetite at all.  However, I do believe I went temporarily crazy while on it.  This medicine was absolutely terrible for me.  I cried every single day-most of the time for no apparent reason at all.  I lashed out at my poor husband constantly-again for no real reason at all.  I had sudden anxiety attacks, saw the worst in every situation, suddenly lacked all of my reasoning/rationalization skills-it was bad.  I can honestly say I don't think that I have ever been so emotionally and mentally fragile in all my life.  Now when I called my doctor and told him all of this, he was less than sympathetic-he basically reiterated my already crazy feelings by telling me that this medicine should not make me feel like that and that I needed to continue taking it.  In his words "it sounds like you're blaming all your problems on the medication".  He didn't say he wanted me to continue taking it so that my headaches would be gone or so that the fluid would drain-he simply said that I needed to continue taking it so that I would "lose the weight".  I said "ok", knowing at that moment that I could argue with him (which would have done no good) and burst into tears or I could just agree and quickly get off of the phone and then burst into tears.  I prefer to cry by myself rather than to a doctor who I already know lacks any of the skills necessary to comfort me at that moment.  So after taking the meds for 2 more days I realized that I indeed was crazy if I was going to continue to put myself through this emotional torture.  After 4 or 5 days off the meds I felt remarkably better and back to my normal self.  

When I was talking to the doctor I realized that he was much more concerned with that medicine "treating" my weight than he was with it treating my head.  I have suffered with these headaches for 4 years and they are SEVERE but I would take the headaches over the crazy feelings any day.  And then for me to realize that my weight is so bad that he found treating it to be more important than treating the headaches--ouch.  I do realize that losing weight will help with the headaches but I now feel that the medicine was prescribed to me soley as an appetite suppressant.  So, I told myself that day that I would lose weight and I would do it without the help of any crazy pills.  I have been working hard but it's such a slow process.  It's not as though I thought it would be easy or that it would happen overnight, it's just that when you're right in the middle of a journey or just at the beginning of it like I am, the end seems so far away.  It doesn't seem unobtainable, just far away.  I'm still going though-slow and steady-much slower than I prefer most days.  And it's so hard.  The medicine did help with my appetite a lot so I'm having to really watch my intake because I forgot what it felt like to be truly hungry.  And life is just so busy so working exercise into my routine is a decision I have to make on a daily basis.  Some days I do really well, some days I stink at it.  I am trying though, and I'm trying harder than I ever have before.